Slow To Rise

I get it. Some people just don’t want to get on the social media This-Is-2014-Bandwagon. They happily skip along in their clueless abyss about Hashtags, Friend Requests, and Apps.

They stroll around with their flip-phones claiming, with great enthusiasm, By Golly This Phone Still Works, Thankyouverymuch.

They may have heard of Facebook but have no interest to get on. They may peruse Pintrest but won’t make a page because then Big Brother will watch them and they will be inundated with crazies out there trying to sell them a planter made out of a shoe organizer for your closet. They laugh at all the Hashtag references but they don’t know any more about what a Hashtag means than understanding the daily diet of people living in Bhutan.

I began to wonder about some of these people.

These, I Will Not Succumb To A Smart Phone Nor Get On Facebook (Gasp!), Ever. Like, Ever Ever.

1. They have fear of someone watching their activities online and probably have Firewalls that would put out a fire in their upstairs bathroom. I’m pretty sure even the FBI doesn’t have quite the protection these worry-warts have on their laptops.

2. They are notorious Bury Your Head kind of people. Facebook? Oh Gee, No Thanks. I don’t want to know what my kids are saying on Facebook. And I refuse to learn what it means to Twitter – or Tweet – or Twit-Tweet.

3. They are Busy Beavers. The ones that have organizers and calendars sitting on the front seat of their car and they really have no time for silly social media because they are too busy with kids and kids sports and their Big Important Life.

4. The High And Mighty – the I Don’t Watch Television Either crowd. They would rather sit and read the bible (not that there is anything wrong with that) with their fruit juice spritzer and a dog at their feet as cool jazz plays ever so softly in the background (probably from a record player).

5. The I’m Happy Right Here In 1982 bunch. They perm their hair, perhaps. Maybe they go to Rick Springfield concerts. Dinner is a box of Mac & Cheese. Maybe their cars are older and they probably have a stack of records and 8-tracks somewhere close by (like a hall closet). They chase little kids off their front lawn. They wear their glasses around their neck on a beaded chain. And they will often say, “kids today!”

6. The Old School Crowd. If Someone Needs Me They Can Call Me On My House Phone and leave a message on the machine (wait for the beep!) and If You Get A Busy Signal, Just Keep Trying. They push aside any interest in apps that allow them to navigate through downtown or play games while they wait for the doctor – “Why would I need something like that? I can just use a map or bring out the Monopoly board” (Kids today!). Their motto they repeat probably at least twice a day: The old flip phone still works, so why change anything?

Makes me wonder if the women around the beginning of the twentieth century fought advances. A washing machine? Oh Heavens, No! Why do I need a machine to wash my clothes when I can get outside and use my own two hands? A cake mix in a box? Oh dear. Automobiles? But why when a horse works just as well – and cheaper? Fly somewhere? Oh For Pete’s Sake. Why would I want to get somewhere in a few hours when I can leisurely travel for three glorious weeks? Stupid advancements. I don’t need Advil for my headache – I’ll just rub some crushed mint mixed with pieces of toenail clippings over my brow and I’ll be as good as new in about four days.

I know, I know. Smart phones isn’t a necessity. The fact that I can check email, Facebook, and play Words with Friends while I am waiting in line at the grocery store is kinda stupid and doesn’t improve my quality of life at all. But, it’s here. Technology and social media and advancements are hard to ignore – and if you sit on the sideline for too long it passes you up quicker than you can say, “Where’s the Beef?”


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